On Releasing

In order to attend a conference that I returned from on Sunday of this week, I borrowed money from family. I was able to get a discount ticket for $147 from one of the conference community leaders with the promise that I would pay her for the ticket as soon as possible.

I didn’t get all the money I needed till the night before I left. I called the woman as soon as I got to my room at the hotel where we were to stay. I left a message for her that I was in attendance and had the money for the ticket. I even saw her in person during the conference and told her that I wanted to meet with her to pay her at a time of her choosing.  At the time, she seemed unconcerned.

Originally, I was supposed to have shared my hotel room with 3-4 people which would have assisted me a great deal with the costs. However, only one roomate showed up. My hotel bill was a lot bigger than I planned for! I ended up having to dip into the funds I had allocated for the ticket.

I called my benefactor’s room again before leaving for the airport, and there was no answer. I didn’t bother to leave a message, because she hadn’t responded to my first one.  I went downstairs to physically look for her… but, was not able to find her among the hundreds of conference participants.

Unable to catch up with her, I left for home.

As soon as I arrived home, I gathered every bit of cash I had to my name ($75) and sent it to her via postal money order. I didn’t do a good job of communicating, because she called me a day or two later in upset.

I explained what happened and why I had to send a partial payment. I apologized profusely for the delay. “This is dragging out a lot longer than I anticipated”, she said in a curt voice. Immediately, my stomach knotted and I stopped breathing. I’m sure I must have started to stutter. “When did you send it?”, she said primly. I could just imagine her lips pressed together in disapproval.

After I answered her question, she acted like she didn’t believe I sent anything at all. I hung up the phone in a high state of anxiety. Only a short while ago, $147 was not a small fortune. I would have handled it easily and without a thought. These days, things are much different.

My thoughts ran wild!

“Here you are a spritual teacher and you can’t pay your debts”…

“She thinks you’re a liar and a bum”….

The phone conversation and the anxiety stayed with me until I lay in my bed that night and put on a meditation CD. I wanted to know what about the experience bothered me so much. I never liked “owing” anyone… anything. I never liked to feel “beholding” to anybody. I asked Spirit, “What was this experience here to teach me?”

The tears started as I begin to release the anxiety from my body. Immediately, a memory came up that I thought I’d forgotten from my childhood. I saw myself as a thirteen year old going from door to door selling whatever I could find so that our family could eat for that day. Some people were nice and some were not so nice to a scrawny teenager knocking at their door asking for money in exchange for knick-knacks or candy or whatever…

I remembered the doors slammed in my face. I rememberd feeling so embarrassed, so vulnerable and vowing that I would never be, never feel…that needy again.

So, I honored the teenage girl that night for her courage and her determination. I honored her resourcefulness and creativity.  I held her close and whispered encouragment into her ear. I reminded her that she was more than her circumstances and bigger than the issue of $147. Then I released the feelings of shame, blame, insecurity, low self-worth and anxiety. I allowed her to breathe!

I reminded myself that I was not living in my past and that I could remain “present”.

I released any stories I made up about my benefactor’s behavior on the phone.

I released any stories I made up about me.

I went to sleep feeling at-one with myself again.

Ask yourself relevant questions. What is there left for me to heal and release?

Be open to what shows up!

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